


Cullen Clan (The Best Clan)

by Euterpe



Category: Twilight Series - All Media Types, Twilight Series - Stephenie Meyer
Genre: Chatlogs, Chatting & Messaging, F/F, Group chat, M/M, Multi, Swearing, Texting, chatroom fic
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-02-19
Updated: 2018-02-19
Packaged: 2019-03-21 01:28:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 2,122
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13730211
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Euterpe/pseuds/Euterpe
Summary: Edward_Cullen:Alice, you're being needlessly petty over a human girl.fairygodmother:fight me bitchward





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THE CAST:
> 
> fairygodmother = Alice  
> hail_rosalie = Rosalie  
> bearyemmett = Emmett  
> jazzper = Jasper  
> Edward_Cullen = Edward  
> infinitesme = Esme  
> C_Cullen_MD = Carlisle

**Cullen Clan (The Best Clan)**

3:23 AM

 **fairygodmother** : gUYS

 **fairygodmother** : i call dibs on the new girl!!!!!111!!1!

 **hail_rosalie** : ??????

 **bearyemmett** : wat new girl? 

 **jazzper** : alice pls explain 

 **Edward_Cullen** : Her name is Bella Swan and she's from Phoenix. Her dad is Chief Swan of the local police. 

 **fairygodmother** : :( 

 **bearyemmett** : hoe dont do it

_**fairygodmother** has removed **Edward_Cullen** from the conversation._

**fairygodmother** : :) 

 **bearyemmett** : oh my god

_**infinitesme** has added  **Edward_Cullen** to the conversation._

**fairygodmother** : :(

 **infinitesme** : alice dear what have we said about removing people from the family group chat just because you feel like it

 **fairygodmother** : :((((((((((((((((((

 **Edward_Cullen** : Alice, you're being needlessly petty over a human girl. 

 **hail_rosalie** : ooooh a human

 **fairygodmother** : fight me bitchward

 **Edward_Cullen** : You know I always beat you at Wii Tennis. 

 **Edward_Cullen** : And. We're literally in the same room right now.

 **fairygodmother** : idfc!!! u stole my fucking thunder u self-absorbed, mind-reading pos 

 **jazzper** : cHILdrEN more like CHILLdren

 **jazzper** : -esme probably

 **infinitesme** : i was actually just going to ignore them until they started acting like adults but thank you jasper

 **fairygodmother** : esme??? what is this betrayal???

 **hail_rosalie** : lol esme if you're waiting for edward and alice to start acting like adults you'd be waiting

 **hail_rosalie** : one might say

 **hail_rosalie** : infintesmely

 **bearyemmett** : OOOOO SH O TS FI R E D 

 **jazzper** : mmm whatcha sayyyyyyyy mmm that you only meant welllll

 **fairygodmother:** rOSALIE PLZ

 **fairygodmother** : [[cantbeLIEVE.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/057/074/icbydt.jpg)]

 

 **fairygodmother** : mY VERY sISTER FROM ANOTHER mISTER

 **Edward_Cullen** : Rosalie, I let you steal my shampoo. And yet you do this to me.

 **bearyemmett** : lol wtf

 **hail_rosalie** : ok first of all i only use edward's shampoo when i run out and i'm too lazy to get my own only because alice's smells like all the fruit snacks in the world melted together, emmett's is the embodiment of Fragile MasculinityTM, and jasper just puts actual soap in his hair

 **hail_rosalie** : second of all i know for a fact that edward secretly uses my hair mousse when he thinks i'm not looking

 **Edward_Cullen** : Fair enough.

 **jazzper** : how she managed to simultaneously roast all of us while defending herself i shall never understand

 **jazzper** : gg rose

 **bearyemmett** : u could say we were ROSEted

 **jazzper** : babe i love you but no

 **bearyemmett** : </3

 **fairygodmother** : aNYWAY as i was SAYING

 **fairygodmother** : new girl! she is MY MATE. as in, rose and edward do NOT get to make a move on her before i do. which means no pulling that sexy sex goddess or broody self-hating vampire shit, istg

 **hail_rosalie** : if she's your mate then why are you so worried about us making a move on her

 **Edward_Cullen** : Because Bella Swan is apparently supposed to be my singer.

 **bearyemmett** : shiiiiiiiiit

 **fairygodmother** : ye

 **fairygodmother** : and also bc every being that ever lived is attracted to rosalie for some reason so

 **fairygodmother** : its a miracle shes still single

 **hail_rosalie** : aww thanks

 **fairygodmother** : i dont,,,,know if i meant that as a compliment but,,,,ur welcome

 **jazzper** : lol so have you facebook stalked her yet

 **fairygodmother** : JAsPER HALE who DO YOU tHINK I AM

 **fairygodmother** : ofc i have

 **fairygodmother** : bella still lives in phoenix but she'll be moving within the week. shes in the yearbook club and she used to do ballet until 9th grade

 **fairygodmother** : [bellafbprofile.jpg]

 **hail_rosalie** : cute but not my type

 **bearyemmett** : well....thats a picture of a girl i guess

 **fairygodmother** : emmett ur gay u wouldnt understand

 **Edward_Cullen** : I mean, I suppose if I weren't asexual I would, proverbially, "tap that."

 **fairygodmother** : well thats too bad bc i know theres a 93.2% chance i'll be tapping that in the future

 **fairygodmother** : most likely our first time is gonna be on a friday night

 **fairygodmother** : we're in a room with purple wallpaper and i unzip her tight little black dress with my teeth

 **Edward_Cullen** : Stop. Thinking. Right. Now.

 **infinitesme** : alice honey before you go on i'd like to remind you that carlisle and i are still in this group chat

 **jazzper** : ...

 **bearyemmett** : ...

 **hail_rosalie** : ...

 **fairygodmother** : ...

 **fairygodmother** : [[sanic.jpg](http://i0.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/original/000/506/223/2ab.gif)]

 

 

4:31 AM

 **C_Cullen_MD** : Sorry guys, had to take care of an emergency at the hospital

 **C_Cullen_MD** : What'd I miss?

 


	2. Chapter 2

**Cullen Clan (The Best Clan)**

5:46 AM

 **fairygodmother** : !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 **fairygodmother** : NASDNFAEAWOEIRHQ

 **fairygodmother** : TODAIY IS THR DAYYY BINCHES

 **jazzper** : alice stfu i was trying to meditate

 **fairygodmother** : no

 **fairygodmother** : BC TODAYA IS THE DATY BELLA SWAN STARTS SCHOOL AT FOSKR HIAGH SCHOOL

 **Edward_Cullen** : Alice, we know. You haven't shut up about it for the past week.

 **hail_rosalie** : god this is worse than the day bella's plane landed at the airport

 **fairygodmother** : BC TODAY WE ACTUALLY GAET TO MEET HER U PLEBS

 **bearyemmett** : alice calm ur tits some of us r trying to cuddle w our husbands here

 **hail_rosalie** : i thought jasper was meditating

 **jazzper** : i can do both ;)

 **bearyemmett** : <3 <3 <3

 **jazzper** : <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 <3

 **hail_rosalie** : disgusting

 **bearyemmett** : :(

 **fairygodmother** : can we PLZ FOCUS ON THE PROBLANM AT HAND

 **Edward_Cullen** : What problem? The only problem I see is your melodramatic tendency to overreact.

 **fairygodmother** : ur sAss is NOT appRECIATED DEADWARD CULLEN

 **jazzper** : deadward cullen

 **fairygodmother** : thr PROBKEM is that toDAY BELLA SWAN WILL SEE MY FACE FOR THE FISRT TIME IN HAER LIFEEE

 **jazzper** : deadward

 **hail_rosalie** : so? first impressions aren't all that matters. i mean when i first joined the clan i thought edward was hot and look where we are now

 **Edward_Cullen** : Rude.

 **jazzper** : d E A d W A r d CULLEN

 **fairygodmother** : rosalie u dont understand literally when u look into a mirror ur reflection wants to b w/ you

 **hail_rosalie** : fair

 **bearyemmett** : guys help i think my husbands dying

 **jazzper** : will i be as DEAD as DEADWARD

 **Edward_Cullen** : Well, technically, he's not wrong.

 **fairygodmother** : jasper quit re-deceasing and listen to my sob story

 **jazzper** : only if edward changes his username to deadward

 **Edward_Cullen** : No.

 **fairygodmother** : EDWARD CHANGE UR FUCKING USERNMAE OR ILL MAKE SURE U ACTAULLY DIE A SECOND TIEM

 **fairygodmother** : (aka i'll tell everyone what u decided to buy for urself tomorrow)

 **Edward_Cullen** : ...

 **_Edward_Cullen_ ** _has changed his username to **Deadward_Cullen**._

 **Deadward_Cullen** : Evil bitch.

 **hail_rosalie** : ok now i reaaaally wanna know what he's buying for himself

 **fairygodmother** : now that everythings good and well lets get Back on Track class

 **bearyemmett** : wait lemme get this straight

 **bearyemmett** : (im not)

 **jazzper** : rt ^^

 **hail_rosalie** : rt

 **fairygodmother** : rtttttt

 **bearyemmett** : but alice is freaking out bc shes insecure that her mate isnt gonna fall in luv @ first sight w her

 **fairygodmother** : well i wouldnt put it in those terms but essentially yea i guess

 **infinitesme** : alice if i may

 **infinitesme** : i don't think you have anything to worry about

 **infinitesme** : if you truly know that this girl will be your mate then it doesn't matter what she thinks of you initially

 **infinitesme** : all you have to do is be yourself and she'll learn to love you for who you are

 **C_Cullen_MD** : ^ I agree

 **jazzper** : wow infinitesme strikes again

 **fairygodmother** : ...

 **fairygodmother** : [[oprahcrying.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/UcTNY2FFap0cw/giphy.gif)]

 

 **fairygodmother** : thank u esme the real mvp

 **fairygodmother** : she is the mother i never had, the sister everybody would want, the friend everybody deserves,,,,

 **fairygodmother** : i dOnT KnOW a BETTER PE R S O N

 **jazzper** : did you just,,,,use two oprah memes in the span of ten seconds,,,

 **fairygodmother** : yes bc nobody else was REMOTELY as helpful as she was

 **infinitesme** : thank you alice that's very sweet of you

 **fairygodmother** : <3

 **fairygodmother** : now that all of my lifes woes have been resolved

 **fairygodmother** : its time to go to school :)

 **bearyemmett** : wtf its 6:20 in the morning school doesnt start until 8

 **jazzper** : babe shhhhh there's no use trying to make her see reason

 **fairygodmother** : jasper u thot i would punch u if i wasnt busy chasing down the Love of My LifeTM

 **hail_rosalie** : guys she's being serious she just ran out the door, didn't even bother to take her car

 **jazzper** : ...

 **bearyemmett** : ...

 **Deadward_Cullen** : ...

 **C_Cullen_MD** : ...

 **infinitesme** : run safe alice!

 **fairygodmother** : :)))))))))

6:34 AM

 **Deadward_Cullen** : ...does this mean I can change my username back to what it was?

 **fairygodmother** : NO

 **jazzper** : n O

 **bearyemmett** : no

 **hail_rosalie** : no

 **C_Cullen_MD** : Nah

 **infinitesme** : no

 **Deadward_Cullen** : I expected it from Carlisle, but...et tu, Esme?

 **infinitesme** : B)


	3. Chapter 3

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NEW PEEPS
> 
> newyorkie = Eric Yorkie  
> Princessica = Jessica Stanley  
> mikewton = Mike Newton  
> angel_wings = Angela Weber  
> bellagoose = Bella Swan

**Forks High Royalty**

8:15 AM

 **newyorkie** : NEW GIRL ALERT!!! i repeat NEW GIRL ALERT!!!

 **Princessica** : !!!!!!!!!!!

 **newyorkie** : THIS IS NOT A DRILL

 **newyorkie** : ngl ive always wanted to say that

 **mikewton** : wtf man deeeeeeeets

 **newyorkie** : later mason is glaring at me

 **Princessica** : ERIC YORKIE THAT IS NO EXCUSE

 **newyorkie** : shut up you guys hes coming

 **newyorkie** : shit shit shit shit shiwathraerq

 **Princessica** : ERIC ISTG

 **angel_wings** : ...I think he just got his phone taken away

 **Princessica** : how dARE HE!!! DROP A BOMB LIKE THAT ON US!!! AND THEN GET HIS PHONE CONFISCATED!!!

 **mikewton** : calm tf down jessica i mean it was partly our fault

 **Princessica** : MICHAEL!!! YOU!!! SHALL NOT!!! DEFEND HIM!!!

 **mikewton** : ok ok jfc

 **angel_wings** : Can I just say

 **angel_wings** : We'll know by lunch at the latest

 **Princessica** : lunch is too far away to sate my gossip-sustained hunger ):

 **mikewton** : man i knew there was smthng weird in that salad of urs

8:47 AM

 **newyorkie** : false alarm guys

 **Princessica** : you waited. HALF AN HOUR. to tell us that?!?!?

 **newyorkie** : omg chill i was making sure mason didnt get suspicious again

 **newyorkie** : anyway new girl sits next to me in english and her names bella swan

 **angel_wings** : As in Police Chief Charlie Swan?

 **newyorkie** : yea hes her dad

 **newyorkie** : also she just moved here from phoenix

 **mikewton** : arizona?

 **Princessica** : no oregon OF COURSE arizona u dumbass

 **mikewton** : :(

 **angel_wings** : Actually there's a town in south Oregon named Phoenix

 **angel_wings** : I checked

 **mikewton** : angela,,,,my homie,,,,my girl,,,,bless

 **newyorkie** : bella moved here from phoenix ARIZONA and im gonna talk to her when the bell rings

 **mikewton** : lol good luck w that

 **mikewton** : remember the last time u talked to a girl u spilled ur slushie on her shirt nd she wouldnt speak to u for three days

 **Princessica** : ...that was me

 **mikewton** : exactly

 **newyorkie** : anyWAY im gonna talk to her and walk her to her next class and NONE OF YOU are gonna stop me

 **mikewton** : rip bella swan's chances of joining the squad

9:44 AM

 **Princessica** : a picture of ACTUAL GEM BELLA SWAN

 **Princessica** : [bellaswan.jpg]

 **angel_wings** : Ooooh she's pretty

 **mikewton** : wtf how did u take a pic of her

 **Princessica** : we're in the same trig class so i did it when she wasn't looking

 **newyorkie** : ...

 **newyorkie** : no offense jessica but thats hella creepy

 **mikewton** : ^

 **Princessica** : well unlike YORKIE HERE i talked to bella swan without making a fool of myself

 **Princessica** : and bella tells me that she told a boy in her english class named ERIC that she was part albino and HE BELIEVED HER

 **mikewton** : ,,,dude is this true

 **newyorkie** : shit

 **newyorkie** : [[disguise.jpg](https://cdn.bulbagarden.net/upload/f/f4/Best_Wishes_Team_Rocket.png)]

 

 **newyorkie** : whos eric i dont know an eric

 **mikewton** : OHHH MYYY GODDDDDD

 **mikewton** : U R NEVER LIVING THIS DOWNNNN XDDDDD

_**newyorkie** has changed their username to  **notyorkie**._

**angel_wings** : I have to admit Eric this is a new low even for you

 **notyorkie** : im not eric i have no idea who youre talking about

10:02 AM

 **Princessica** : lol if eric's done having an identity crisis i'm gonna add bella to the gc if that's ok with you guys bc she's an actual gem

 **angel_wings** : I'm okay with it

 **mikewton** : ^^

 **notyorkie** : again im not eric idk why youre asking me

 **Princessica** : coolsies

_**Princessica** has added  **bellagoose** to the conversation._

**angel_wings** : Hi Bella! My name's Angela Weber

 **mikewton** : im mike newton u can call me mike or newton or mike newton welcome to the fam

 **bellagoose** : hi guys it's nice to meet you! i guess you already know who i am so

 **Princessica** : *cough* ERIIIIC 

 **notyorkie** : hi bella im not eric yorkie weve never met before

 **bellagoose** : lol aren't you eric from english

 **notyorkie** : pshhh no

 **angel_wings** : [screenshot1.jpg] [screenshot2.jpg]

 **notyorkie** : aNGELA HOW COULD YOU I TRUSTED YOU WITH MY LIFE

 **mikewton** : top 10 anime deaths

 **angel_wings** : I'm sorry Eric...she has to know...the Truth

 **bellagoose** : lmao you guys are wild

 **bellagoose** : i love it

 **Princessica** : !!!!!!!!

 **notyorkie** : so youre cool w eric yorkie

 **notyorkie** : not that i am eric im just asking for a friend

 **bellagoose** : yeah lol

_**notyorkie** has changed their username to  **newyorkie**._

**newyorkie** : cool my names eric yorkie and i have a basketball game tomorrowww

 **bellagoose** : you play basketball?

 **Princessica** : no he doesn't he's just quoting a meme

 **Princessica** : unfortunately you'll have to get used to it cuz you're sitting with us at lunch today

 **bellagoose** : are you sure bc i don't want to stand up my date with the bathroom stall ;)

 **mikewton** : i like this one can we keep her

 **Princessica** : patience michael you're revealing the masterplan

 **Princessica** : bella just say yes

 **bellagoose** : uh

 **bellagoose** : yes

 **mikewton** : [[hellyeah.gif](https://media.giphy.com/media/dkGhBWE3SyzXW/giphy.gif)]

**bellagoose** : i

 **angel_wings** : Welcome to Forks, Bella!

 


End file.
